Reality

I knew going into this adoption it would be hard and it has been. Not every day is hard, and not every hour of every day is hard, but some are! It is difficult to add a toddler to a family when there are already young children in the family. I don't think I was mentally prepared for this. My only experience has been bringing home a newborn, not a 22 month old! It is just very, very different. There is no easing into things, it's more like a freight train coming into your family. You do not have the different stages of baby proofing your home, you just jump right to the last one where they can rip down and destroy everything.

I know Silas is supposed to be in our family. He is ours and God planned it this way. I love him and my love for him is growing each day, but it still feels different than the love I have for my girls. I read the blog of another adoptive mom who also has other children at home and she said she felt like she was babysitting. I understand her feelings although I definitely feel like he is my son. We waited for Silas and loved him from the first photo, but deep love like I have for my girls takes time. I hesitate in writing this, but it is reality. I know in my soul that as time passes my love will deepen just as it has with my girls.

By the time my girls were two, they knew certain expectations we had of them. It is totally different with an adoption. It's like we are starting with a newborn, but he is already almost 2. I am trying to figure out how I need to adjust my expectations without leaning too far in the direction of catering to his every whim and spoiling him. We are on a totally foreign journey and at times I feel like I am loosing my path.

Maybe that's why God led us to adoption, specifically to adopt Silas. Maybe I need to be bumped from my path and my plan. It's really all about God's path and God's plan. I know with no doubt that this adoption was God's plan for us. I know he will change me through this which he as called me to and I am ready for the challenge! I need to stop relying on me and start relying on Him who will equip me with everything I need to make it though the day. We are studying James at church and this scripture helped me today, "Dear brothers & sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong and character and ready for anything." James 1:2-4. Lord, help me to be joyful at all times, even those times when I have a screaming toddler, a whining 3 year old and a bossy 5 year old. : )