Cycles

Life with Silas is an ever evolving cycle of ups and downs.  Lately we have been down.  Really down.  He started the school year up and during the month of October cycled back down.

Silas can be the funniest, most charming, cutest little boy in the world when the "real" Silas is around.  Unfortunately, I don't get to see the "real" Silas very often.  Only small glimpses here and there.   Lately the "real" Silas has been buried and I can't seem to find him.

Silas has shown us some new behaviors in the past month he has not tried before.  This has been discouraging.  So many rough weeks in a row is discouraging.  Lots of crying and screaming from Silas is discouraging.  Lots of fear and anxiety from him is discouraging.   He has almost ruined several fun family outings with his behavior, that is discouraging.  His efforts to set Jason and I against each other is discouraging.  His behavior at school has been discouraging.

But - I WILL NOT give up on him!  I am encouraged when I read my new book "The Connected Child" by Karyn Purvis and get new ideas to help me parent him.  I am encouraged when his teachers tell me how smart he is.  I am encouraged that Jason and I have a strong marriage that can withstand these challenges.  I am encouraged when he had fun trick-or-treating (this was HUGE).  I am encouraged when God continues to give me patience and love for Silas.  I am encouraged when Silas asks me for a hug.  I am encouraged that Silas has given my girls compassion and tolerance for people who are different.  Madelyn won the PE award last week because she invited a girl in her class to be in her group since none of the other kids wanted her.  Having Silas for a brother has been challenging for them, but God is using it for His glory.  That is encouraging!

In a state of frustration a couple weeks ago, I told my mom, "I did not sign up for this!  It wasn't supposed to be this hard!"  Thankfully, God doesn't make mistakes.  He knows what we need and even though it is not always fun or easy, I thank God for Silas!  I heard of another family disrupting their adoption this week.  I understand their struggle, I really do.  But I cannot imagine not having Silas in our family now - he is ours, forever.  I have been doing the Beth Moore "Esther" study - it is awesome!  I love this quote from the study,

"Esther's superficial life was about to be shattered, and a woman much deeper than her skin was about to be unearthed.  If we're blessed, the same will happen to each of us.  As painful as the process may be, that which shatters our superficiality also shatters the fetters of our fragility and frees us to walk with dignity and might to our destinies.  We are not the fragile flowers we've considered ourselves to be.  We, like Esther, are the warrior princesses of God."  

Silas has shattered my life to the very core.  But how blessed I am that God used him to change me into His "warrior princess"!  I fail daily as Silas' mother, but hope that God can work through me to restore the "real" Silas I know is inside of him.  Praying our November is a nice climb back up so we can chip away all the pieces and see our "real" Silas again.